There are a lot of things to still figure out. I guess that is always the case.

I get into a habit of thinking way too much about what to write here. I still think of it as some sort of super official presentation of myself, so I tend to be very careful about what to share, but then I get stuck in an infinite loop of thinking about something, but then it never important enough to write about! I must break the cycle of despair.

Obviously my online presence has changed a lot in the past few years. I used to be very active on my blog and trying to write about what I was up to at least three times a week, but after a very long time of doing that it became very exhausting. I also came to dread the feeling of being behind on my posts, and frantically always trying to catch up. I know that this kept me somewhat productive and "on task" but it was also a big contributor to anxiety and feeling like I was never doing enough.

After I started treating my anxiety and ADHD issues, a lot of my perspectives changed. I pretty much gave up on the multiple posts a week thing, but then over time I eventually decided to retire the concept of my blog entirely. I came to a realization that things like updating my blog all the time and maintaining a strong-ish online presence was a form of managing my mental illnesses. Not to say that I was exclusively behaving in certain ways as coping mechanisms, but there has definitely been a significant change since starting on focused therapy and medication. I used to constantly broadcast my existence in an effort to maintain some sort of external accountability. If you also deal with ADHD, you might understand all too well the feeling of never being able to control yourself in the sense of holding yourself accountable. Telling yourself "I'm going to get this thing done today" means absolutely nothing to my brain. Some other part of me will instantly reason itself out of any sort of responsibility or accountability. By making this external, and broadcasting my intent and output to the outside world constantly, I was trying to cultivate a steady drip of accountability from the outside world. If other people expect me to do things, I will more likely do them because my brain can't manipulate itself out of that.

Once I started treating my ADHD through medication and therapy, my need to broadcast myself at that level suddenly vanished. It was just totally gone. I'm still trying to navigate exactly how it feels. I used to consider the inside of my head very fractured, like it often felt like there were several different identities of "kyle" all mixed up in there, and they constantly argued and pulled me in different directions constantly. Now I feel more whole. Sometimes there is some splintering, but my existence feels much more ... intentional. Being driven by an ADHD brain felt like I was never really in control of anything, and I would just have to hope that the right feelings would hit me when I needed them. Now I feel like I have control over my state of mind, and myself in general. I keep referring to this as my "sense of self" but I'm not sure if there's a better or already agreed upon term for it, but I haven't come across one yet that makes sense.

Now after a few years of pulling myself away from the internet (in a way) I think I'm ready to put some more of myself back out there. I've been in the hyperbolic time chamber except time moves at the same exact speed in this one. Moving forward I think I want to keep this space relatively unfiltered. That might make it harder to consume for people that actually are reading this far down (thanks, by the way) but lately I feel like truly unfiltered content from someone's core is the most valuable stuff in the universe. I think thats what makes me love games, and all forms of media, developed by one, or just a few people. It's a form of communication that is perfect for a person like me.

Now I should figure out a better way to end posts. You'd think I would have figured it out by now.